05/13/2020
28 years. I’ve been on this Earth for 28 years. I know that not might seem like long to many, but to me, it seems like it has been at least 80. With COVID-19 and the entire world coming to a halt, I wasn’t particularly excited to celebrate my birthday this year. I knew that with social distancing I couldn’t be around the people I cared about the most. I knew I couldn’t go to a bar and throw back some celebratory shots. To me, nothing about March 26th this year would be particularly special. Most importantly, I knew that for the first time since I can remember I wouldn’t hear my grandmother’s voice on that day. She had this ritual. Every single year on my birthday, at midnight, she would call me and try her best to serenade me with the “Happy Birthday” song. Now, Nanny was NOT a singer by any means, but her attempt at it would always leave a smile on my face. So, since the beginning of 2020, I’ve dreaded March 26th. I’ve dreaded how I would feel, even before the Stay-At-Home orders. I dreaded the unspeakably bitter silence that would overwhelm me at midnight on my birthday. While I can go days or months now without shedding a tear, there are still moments of “firsts” without my grandmother that just drag me back down to a very hurt place. With that, I wasn’t expecting the day to bring any kind of joy at all. Just me, my cat Momo, and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Yay. Happy Birthday, Monte. Let the shitty 28th year begin. And then, at midnight, my phone rang.
Out of nowhere, I hear an off-key voice start to sing “Happy Birthday” to me. It was one of my best friends. Someone who knows me better than anyone else. Someone who I can’t even begin to describe how important they are to me. After she finished her hilarious attempt at singing, and after we both laughed, I started to weep. I probably cried harder than I’ve cried in a while. She had no idea how important that very small gesture meant to me. She had no idea about the ritualistic and symbolic nature of it imprinted on me by my grandmother. My Nanny knew her. My Nanny loved her. Her singing to me was definitely a moment – albeit an ugly cry moment. It was at that moment I decided maybe 2020 would not be that terrible. Maybe 28 would not be the shittiest year of my life. Yeah, COVID-19 would and has definitely turned my world upside down. It has turned the entire world upside down. But, I decided then that I would not let the sadness control my life. I would not let the loneliness dictate the rest of my year. I would not fall victim to the sense of hatred towards the current path of the world that was slowly being engrained in my mind. I decided that I wouldn’t let the envy of watching old friends get married and start families bother me. I decided that I would spend the year trying to reflect on the good things in life. So, in the 28 years I’ve been on this planet, what have I learned? Welp, among all the bullshit, there were a few valuable lessons.
Lesson #1: Make New Mistakes.
We all make mistakes. We all fuck up. We all walk down a stupid path that leads us to doing stupid shit. I am certainly not perfect. I have definitely fucked up and failed time and time again. But, when I think back over all of my mistakes, I uncover a pattern. I never make the same mistake twice. I would guess that means I actually learn something from my fuck ups and actively try to do better. I try to be better. That’s all we can really do, honestly. We are all human. To err is human. Any person who can sit there and claim they don’t make mistakes, or that they don’t mess up, is either insane or just lying to themselves. One thing I’ve learned over the course of both my academic and business career is to MAKE NEW MISTAKES. Overlook the stigma of making a mistake, of falling short, of messing up. The greatest lessons in life tend to come from mistakes. As long as you understand where you went wrong, make amends to anyone you’ve hurt in the process, and make a promise to yourself to do better, then the mistake actually taught you something. Mistakes can be good. That’s something I’ve had to tell myself over and over. Mistakes and the lessons learned from them are all apart of the growth process. They are essential for the growth process. Stepping into adulthood requires these mistakes. These mistakes will make me a better person, and eventually a better husband and father. I had to learn some lessons the hard way. I had to bump my head a few times – and still do every now and then. But, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am who I am because of the mistakes I learned and grew from, but the actual mistake does not define me. The actual mistake just becomes an afterthought and we keep moving forward.
Lesson #2: Appreciate the Small Victories.
I love to win as much as the next person. Scratch that, I love to win more than the next person, and then more than the next 5 people. I’ve been overly competitive most of my life. I’ve never settled for “just okay” or any form of mediocrity. With this mindset, I usually set myself up for failure at some point. And, I have failed…so…many…times. But, in those failures, I’ve always tried my best to understand the “why” of the failures. Why didn’t I get the grade I wanted? Why did that relationship not work out? Why does the cat keep pooping on the floor? What did I say that turned her off from my vibe? Why wasn’t I good enough for this or that? Why. Why. Why. I could spend hours just listening to Anthony Hamilton and evaluating every single decision I’ve ever made. It’s such a terrible character flaw – but always predictable. I will literally drop everything and go to my whiteboard to try and understand where I went wrong with something. It’s almost obsessive. I’ve learned that I focused way too much on the losses. While trying to understand where I went wrong and how to make myself better is important, the way in which I do it is far from healthy. I will drown out the world. Nothing will matter until I figure out how to do better so that I win. Because to me, winning was everything. I had to win. I had to be better. I had to always be better. I would walk over anything and anyone if it meant I could be at the top. In all the time I spent trying to be perfect, I learned that I was missing out on something. I would spend so much time focusing on those losses that I would never take time to just stop and appreciate the small wins. The small victories. Once I stopped trying to be the best and stopped trying to be good at every damn thing, I discovered something big – I’m doing pretty good for myself. I have my education, I have a great job with responsibility and a salary that no 28 year old should have (just being honest), and I have my health. I live on my own. I can afford my lifestyle. I never want for anything. I’m constantly trying to improve myself mentally. And, I don’t need help from anyone – outside of my wonderfully amazing therapist Kimberly who is just so damn good at helping me manage my life and stay sane. There was a point in life where I felt I wasn’t doing enough. Hell, I still kind of feel like I’m never doing enough. But, when I look back, I notice that I’ve done a lot. Yeah, I’ve had plenty of fails, but I’ve also has a vast amount of small victories. By focusing on those small wins, I’ve noticed I’m actually more calm. I’m not freaking out about every loss. I’m taking my “L’s” with honor and moving past them. Focusing on the losses only seemed to hold me back. Yes, learning from things is always helpful, but obsessing over things just leads one down an awful spiral of self hate. We don’t have time for that. Appreciate what you have done. Appreciate what you HAVE accomplished. Pat yourself on the back sometimes. Even if no one notices those small victories, at least you acknowledge them. And, that’s really all anyone needs to keep moving forward.
Lesson #3: Hold on to Love.
This was a big one for me. Life is short. Life is precious. Life is too often taken for granted. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in the 28 years of playing this life game is how hard it is to lose love. Whether that be losing a parent, grandparent, sibling, or significant other, it’s fucking hard. It’s like someone took a knife, set it on fire, stabbed you in the heart with it…and then it exploded. For me, it usually feels like the knife exploded and then the ashes started to burn and sear my spirit. Losing a family member is one thing, but losing someone you loved who just came into your life out of nowhere is a different kind of pain. I’m a hopeless romantic by nature. The kind of guy who has always been in love with love. Did that make me the perfect partner? Absolutely not. Did I take some of the loves of my life for granted. You’re absolutely right I did. Did I regret doing that? OF COURSE. What did I learn from those experiences? I loved how I wanted to love, and I expected my partner to reciprocate the same level of energy I had. Big mistake. If I felt that the love I was giving wasn’t equal to the love I was receiving, I’d basically become the world biggest asshole. And if anyone knows Monte, they know he can be a HUGE asshole. I would tell myself nothing was ever my fault. I’d do everything in my power to model whatever girl I was dating into what I wanted them to be rather than loving them for who they were. I wouldn’t settle for anything less than that “can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.” I’d attempt to mold them. To make them into an image of the perfect person I would want them to be. The “unicorn” of my dreams. Did I care about their opinion? Eh, not really. Yeah, I was THAT asshole. I wanted them to be what I wanted them to be. I wanted to be in control. Then…it hits you. “Oh shit, maybe I’M the toxic one.” Maybe I was the one with completely unfair standards. Maybe I was the one who would always fuck it up. Maybe by trying to change someone, I was only pushing them further away. I was so in love with the idea of love that I never really took time to just stop and listen. To understand. To appreciate. Ladies, if you run across a guy like that…RUN LIKE HELL. He’s manipulative. He doesn’t love himself enough to love you. He only wants someone on his arm he can show off, and he will do everything in his power to turn you into that person. So, what have I learned? It’s not that hard. Find someone, love them, and keep loving them no matter what. Sure they aren’t perfect – no one is. Sure they may not check all the boxes on your ridiculous list. Sure they may irritate you with their random analogies that don’t make any fucking sense. But there will come a day where they’ve had enough of your shit. Then, you will find yourself alone and sad…and thinking. You’ll remember all the good times. You will finally realize the pros outweighed the cons. They will become the only thing you can ever think about. And just as you realize all of these things and have that “aha” moment, they’ll be gone forever. Love isn’t about lists. Love isn’t about finding the “perfect” someone. Love isn’t about being with someone who will boost your ego or make you look good. It’s everything else. That’s what matters. All of the things you picked at become the things you miss the most. So, tell that special person you love them…and then LOVE them. Not just what they can do for you or how they make you look, but love THEM. For who they are. Hold on to that, because once it’s gone, it’s gone. It’s so much easier to just love the right way the first time than to have to fight and claw your way back to that love. It’s exhausting. Trust me, I’ve tried it. For the guys out there – just listen and do what she says the first time….your life will be SO MUCH easier. It’s really that simple.
Lesson #4: Pray.
This lesson is very short and simple. Just pray about it. Always pray about it. One of the many gifts that my grandmother gave me was Jesus. It’s taken some time, but I’ve definitely learned that I can not do this life thing alone. So, I pray. I pray about everything. Don’t just pray when you want something, but pray just to pray. Giving some of my greatest battles to the Lord has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life. I don’t care what you call Him. I don’t care how strong your faith is. I don’t care what your religion is. If you acknowledge some kind of higher being, then you know that prayer works. Now, let’s not think a simple prayer is going to fix everything, because it’s not. Without putting in the work, empty words lead you nowhere. Growing up a Southern Baptist, I’ve always had my faith. If I’m being honest, it hasn’t always been the strongest, and God and I have definitely had some tough talks. Sure I have questions. Sure I don’t like this or that. But, God. He’s the one to call on. When the storms of life are raging, and I can’t find any place to hide, God holds me and keeps me safe. So yeah, biggest lesson of all: take it to the Lord. He’s always there. Always.
Lesson #5: Forgive Yourself.
The last big lesson I’ve learned – and let’s be honest there are tons more, but no one has time to listen to the usually long-winded Monte so I’m keeping it short – is a lesson that I’ve personally struggled with forever. I will blame myself for everything. This goes back to how anal I’ve always been about being perfect. The smallest slip-up and I chastise myself for years over it. One thing I’ve learned over years of therapy is that I have to forgive myself and let shit go. I’m not going to make everyone happy. I’m not going to be good at everything. I’m not going to be a model individual or the golden child with the perfect life. By not forgiving myself, I give power to the issue and I forsaken the deliverance. I often think back to the many people I’ve hurt over my 28 years of life, and I seriously beat myself up about it. I’ve broken hearts. I’ve lost trust. I’ve backstabbed. I’ve been that shitty person that people just can’t stand. That’s just who I was. For a very long time, that’s just how I was. And, I beat myself up about it. Why? Because it pains me. Deep down, it truly hurts me to know that I ever hurt anyone. No matter how big or how small, it just fucking hurts. Chatting with my therapist, I was asked why it hurts. To be honest, I don’t really know. If it hurts so much, why would I do it? Why would I hurt anyone? Why wasn’t I thinking about that person or those people before I acted in a way that would hurt them? What was I trying to do? What was I trying to prove? If I cared so much, why would it even bother me? The simplest answer I could give to that was “I don’t know.” That’s because I truly didn’t know. Then, I was told something I will never forget…it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter why I did it. It doesn’t matter what I did. It doesn’t matter how bad I felt about it. I did it. It happened. I can either hold on to it forever, or ask for forgiveness and let it go. Similar to repenting. It took me a while to forgive myself for a lot of shitty things. But, I could see the toll it was taking on me. I could see how hating myself for things I did or said or people I hurt was physically and mentally draining me. I could feel it. The heaviness of it all. The weight of it on my mind, on my heart, and on my life. Not forgiving myself for things was literally killing me. The stress, the anxiety, the depression, it was all slowing taking away pieces of me. Until I was able to eventually forgive myself, I was just going through the motions of slowly edging closer to insanity. But then one day I just made a choice. I made a choice to forgive myself. I made the choice to own up to my bullshit and forgive myself. Right as I did that, I felt it. I felt this tremendous weight being lifted off of my shoulders. My eyes started to widen. My heart started to soften. My spirit started to feel free. Guilt. Can. Destroy. You. It can. Guilt will find its way into every corner of your heart and mind and slowly eat away at you until there is just nothing left. It takes integrity to accept one’s actions, and I just didn’t feel like I had that. I felt like I deserved to feel how I felt. To feel bad. Then I learned I was wrong. No one deserves to feel that. No one deserves to be broken like that. No one deserves to keep punishing themselves. To forgive is divine, and you MUST start with yourself. Once you can do that, you will start to see the world a little differently.
In all, these past 28 years (at least the years I can remember) have definitely been a rollercoaster. But, that’s life. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I’ve tried to learn as much as I can, I’ve tried to care as much as possible about others, and I’ve tried to be the best human I can be. Yeah, the world is paused for a moment. Yeah, these are dark and scary times. Yeah, we just don’t know what’s going to happen. But, the one thing I have learned so far in this 28th year is that I can’t give up. I can’t stop. I can’t just let my life be lived in vain. I can’t be the pessimist that only thinks of the worst. I have to start looking at the brighter side of things. So, maybe 28 won’t be so bad. If I play this game right, if I follow all the rules, then maybe I’ll come out victorious in the end. I’ve had my ups and downs. I’ve learned some lessons. I just might be ready to do this life thing. By not dwelling on the past and appreciating the present, I should be able to do this. I know it. I just need to make the right move. So, what’s next?
— M.